11-29-17

I have taken 4 Advil, 2 muscle relaxers, 1200 mg. of Gabapentin, and 2 Excedrin and the pain in my leg is too strong for me to move it...

I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired! There are some absolutely horrible people in this world. Murderers. Robbers. Child molesters…and they have no pains…So, if there is a God, why am I being punished as I am not a horrible person. Why!?

It's time for me to speak up about hospital abuse. In August of 2017 I was in-patient at St. Joseph East hospital. One of the nursing aids for some reason hated me. She would call me "super model" and laugh. I never told her I modeled so my guess is she knew who I was. She would know I needed help to the bathroom and make me wait hours. Seriously, hours! 4 hours and 15 minutes was the longest amount of time she made me wait. She yelled at me. She lectured me. She refused to help me with things. So, I complained about her and she became rough. She would pull me up and push me down and "accidentally" bump my injured legs. Then, one day she smacked my huge leg wound that was already throbbing. She just took her gloved and and smacked me and walked out of the room. After that I reported her again and asked to file a report. Well she was never allowed back in my room but no one ever helped me with filing a report even though I asked numerous times. Her name is Jay Jay or JJ not really sure how she spells her name. She herself looks like she could be walking the runways of Prada. Too bad her attitude and actions were not as beautiful as she is. I hope she gets fired. I hope she learns that she cannot treat people the way she treated me. I hope she gets therapy. I hope she never treats any patients the way she treated me. It took me a bit to be able to write about this because it scarred my insides and every time I tried to write I would well-up with tears and had to stop, but today, I knew I could write about it.

 

Hospital abuse is far too common in this country. If it has happened to you please speak up because it needs to be acknowledged and stopped!

About me...I love being a mom. I hate most men. I am in pain all of the time. I trust NO ONE. I am what most people would call "broken", although I am stronger than most. I am asexual. I am opinionated. I am a workaholic. I am outspoken. I am a good friend. I am friggin hilarious....trust me. I am sarcastic. I am goofy, and I am open-minded.

 

11-30-17

Life is hard right now. I have been out of my anti-depresents for almost a month. I cannot afford the refill. I have to wait 10-12 days more until I get back to KY where my insurance works. Depression makes me more than sad and cry and have anxiety. It causes pain. Pain everywhere and at whatever time it wants to show up. So my limbs hurt and I can barely move my head because my neck hurts and is swollen. And tomorrow...it may all be different my toes may be cramped or my hands may not work and everything will scare me and make me cry and people will think I am crazy...But, t's not my fault. And the depression will make my PTSD kick in and I will just curl up on this couch and try to pass the time away with Facebook and writing and whatever is on TV and it will work for a few minutes here and there but not for long. And people will say they hope I feel better soon because they will not understand this is a permanent condition that therapists and doctors and friends cannot heal. I cannot be healed. I can just be hurt and cry and wish the world was a better place. Curled up in a ball. Scared of the world

11-28-17

 I woke up this morning looking for my cigarettes. I haven’t had a cigarette since July, but I didn’t remember that for a few minutes. Obviously I did not find any smokes so I stopped looking and when I did, I remembered I don’t smoke. Is that weird? I think so. I mean this is the first time I have done something like this. Oh well. Maybe I had a dream that I still smoked. Who knows. A lot of dreams influence people’s actions and thoughts. You dream of a loved one doing you wrong and you wake up angry as hell at them. I think we have all gone thru that. Back to the smoking. Not gonna lie, I miss it. I love smoking. Oh I really do! But it is bad for me and the people around me and I really do not want to be the cause of my son getting any health damage due to second hand smoke. I have read about these electronic smokable herbs. Herbs like chamomile and other relaxing things. They are not supposed to be bad for you but actually good for you. The started kit is kinda expensive. Well it’s $50.00 and to me that’s a ton…But, I may try them. I could use some calming herbs running thru my system to help with my anxiety. If I get them I will let ya know how they are and more about them.

11-18-17

I have had models thank me for helping them get started. Thank me for giving them their first magazine cover. Thank me for promoting them. Thank me for building them a website...And then, they move on and unfriend me and never talk to me again. It happens about once a month and for the past about 12 years. It's like they get really successful and all of a sudden don't need me so the friendship I thought we had is just gone. On occasion they don't do well and come back to me and act like nothing happened. I always accept them back and help them again. That's who I am...so why do I attract people who treat me so poorly? I know when I am being taken advantage of, but I still help because once again, that's who I am...so why does being kind and helpful always attract so many users? It hurts. I mean, I am used to it and get over it but I do still have feelings.

What is with all the racism crawling out from under rocks? I know it has always been there but this year it’s like it was born again and 10 times worse and what the hell? I liked the world better when there were closet racists. Sounds crazy I know but shit, I want these racist assholes to go back under their rocks and just go the fuck away forever. We don’t need your bullshit! This world needs love and kindness and compassion not some bullshit, ignorant ass people!

11-16-17

I really do wish I were a butterfly

So I could soar gracefully in the sky

I would have no legs full of pain

I would have no back full of strain

I would just float through the clouds

I would just fly over crowds

I would be happy and carefree

I would finally feel happy being me

I am not sad about who I am

I am just tired of all of my pain

My body is constantly rebelling against me

My body is full of disdain

And I try to make myself stronger

With daily challenges and goals

I do many muscle building activities

Which are good for my heart and soul

So one day I will be a butterfly

Because I will not settle for less

One day I will be a butterfly

and I will fly above the rest

11-11-17

The story of being fat by a person who is fat so they can tell you about being fat because FAT!

Once upon a time, I AM FAT!

Ugg those people who get offend and they get all defensive when you call yourself fat as if you just called yourself an elderly lady beater and a chronic litterer. Seriously, who ever decided that the word fat or being fat or any of that was bad or evil or disgusting? Shit, it's just a size. How would you like if I called all short people horrible things just cuz of their size? It's so stupidly ridiculous! And don't bring up the health concern bullshit. People of all shapes and sizes have health issues. If you are going to assume that I am automatically unhealthy because I am fat I am gonna assume that you are automatically unhealthy because you're thin. I am also going to assume that you have an egg allergy, no education, a cousin named Bruno, and 4 toes only, on your left foot just because why not? It's the same thing as you jumping to conclusions about me based off of my size.

So I am just gonna rant and rave and joke and play and post and maybe let people know about it and yep that's it and this will be fun for me and maybe you and if not oh well go away then.

11-10-17

I had a follow up appointment yesterday after my hospital stay and was angry! They told me to be there at 12:30 for a 1:00 appointment so I could do some paperwork. So, I got there at 12:30 and no one was even in the office until 1:00. I mean no one! The person to give me the paperwork was nowhere to be found until 1:00, so that was 30 minutes of my time wasted. Then I needed the bathroom so I wheeled into their “handicapped” bathroom and guess what??? Not handicapped. See, the point of a handicapped bathroom is that there is enough room next to the toilet to put a wheelchair so you can slide from the wheelchair to the toilet. Nope, next to the toilet there was a sink. So… I mention this to the tardy receptionist lady and she says well there is room for the wheelchair in the bathroom. Um, yeah…in front of the sink, so what? I can wash my hands and pee my pants? She then says maybe if I go downstairs to the lobby of the hospital they will have a handicapped bathroom…so I go, and they do…LOL no they don’t! I mean the sign says it is a wheelchair accessible bathroom but two inches from the toilet…there is a sink. To get on the toilet I would need to have enough strength to straddle it backwards…Why do people think that a handicapped bathroom only needs a grab bar? I need to be able to get on and use a toilet otherwise it is just a big room with a bar on the wall and it is bullshit! Hospitals should know better!

Oh, and to put the cherry on the sundae, I had to pay a co-pay which I have never had to pay before and then I couldn’t even stay for the appointment which by then I waited an hour for because I had to rush back to my dad’s to pee and we were 25 minutes from his house and it was a close race! Luckily, I won.

“I feel fat.” Don’t you mean you feel bloated? Fat is a cell. You feel cell?


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